Sunday Dil Se - from the heart

First Post July 24 2022

Photo by Glen Jackson on Unsplash

This week went by really fast. All the time I think I had was spent on studying, writing, cooking, helping Jonathan recover, and dealing with my body. In many ways, I was craving a week like this where I have nothing else to do but focus on the work I have pilled up in my head. We are officially in 3rd week of our slow travel life.

I also spent some time exploring the TV of this Airbnb - finally, after living here for over 2 weeks, I learned how to switch that thing on. And guess what did I watch - 90 days fiance. The episodes were silly and made with a style that gives you a suspicious fear. I and Jonathan got married like this and I am so glad I had not seen this thing before. Though a previous colleague once hinted that I should watch this as we are the exact same couple as one of the couples on the shows. Now, I am thinking, what was she trying to say? We are fake? Not saying 90-day fiance people are fake. I have no idea if they are or not but the editing does push your mind in that direction a lot. Why can’t they show a couple adjusting to cultural differences after years of long-distance relationship rather than someone always hinting at the ulterior motives of the immigrant fiance or showing the American fiance hiding his problems?

Anyways, this silly show did make me remember some of the painful stuff I had tried to forget. Like when we got married in the USA and none of my family could come due to a travel ban. It was really sad and lonely for me. Though I still really loved that day. I was getting married to the love of my life and Jonathan’s family welcomed me with open arms. His mom actually walked me down the aisle, his sister held my veil, his other sister planned the whole thing, and his nieces acted as flower girls, ring bearers, and laptop handlers. And his 90-year-old grandfather wore a suit the whole time at 100 degrees and his grandmother showered me with hugs and blessings.

That day was not perfect but still was very close to perfection. My life right now is all that matters and I am happy in this life that I chose for myself. But the feelings of sadness do come from time to time. It is really hard living away from your aging parents and loving sibling. You feel guilty when you can’t be there for them and you also feel lonely as you can’t cry about this all the time. This week has also been hard for my family back home and though I tried to stay connected with them over calls, it gets too much for them to deal with my calls when they are really busy with doctors. Hopefully, things sort out soon and this cloud will lift up. I naturally have been dreaming a lot about visiting them, sitting on the couch, chatting with them, eating mom’s tasty recipes, and having lots of joyful moments at home.

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The week also was very busy for both me and Jonathan. He fell sick and decided to work from home. He was busy with his calls and work in between sessions of coughs. I was busy with completing my latest unit on the Ux course, writing, and taking care of our life.

About my writing

Do you remember the dream you had as a child? What did you want to become when you grew old? I only had two dreams - be a writer and be a dancer. I wanted to do both and tried doing both for a good amount of time. Only to stop dancing due to my fear of looking like a fat cat bouncing in a bag and the writing never reached anywhere because of my fear of writing incorrect grammar. Listen, I studied at a central government school where mostly Hindi was used for teaching. The books were all in the English language so I studied in English but never really got the confidence to really understand the nitty-gritty of the language.

When I turned to the equivalent of high school in India, I decided to teach myself the English language and my teachers were Britney Spears, Whitfield, and Jennifer Lopez. I would put my headphones on with one of their songs in the playlist and start writing on word doc as I would hear the lyrics. Once the song would be over, I would go to google lyrics and score my transcript. Later I worked for a British company and as a side product, I grasped the language verbally. But writing was still a ghost for me.

I still wrote, a lot. But it was mostly on a secret blog. Eventually, with age, I found some courage to announce to the world that I write but it was still sparse. Then when I moved here last year, Jonathan gave me the strength to just do it. Although when I would ask him to proofread for me, he would turn my blog red and that would give me intense anxiety. Still, I could not stop now as I have the support that I always wanted - a wind behind my back.

My parents still find my writing amusing but I think now they understand why I do it. It is funny that as a young adult I was taken to an astrologer to understand why the heck I can’t dream of becoming an engineer or doctor like all the other kids. That astrologer was a fake and anyways she said that I had doomed as I was a dreamer. Even though I know now that she was a big fake fraud lady, some words stay in your head forever. The fear of failure is big for me and the fact that I feel I am not that good at expressing myself makes that fear go larger.

So, when I finally decided to take the plunge and start my dream passion project - an online lifestyle magazine, I spent hours watching videos on how to be a good blogger and read enormous numbers of blogs on the same subject. Sadly, all of these pointed towards - picking a niche, writing in a listicle, having pillar content, and much more. These were probably good advice but it drained my real self into a web version of Sheetal Pawar. I forgot how to write freely with feelings rather I kept thinking about SEO and about making it big. News: I am still very much in the beginning phases.

11 days ago, I received this email from Tim Denning about a writing cohort where you have to write for 28 days straight and you will receive lessons from Tim. I got really excited only to fall flat when I found there was a price attached for this. Now, my understanding of cohorts is when people get volunteers to test their ideas. Maybe I am wrong but anyways that broke my heart. I can ask for money from Jonathan but that just does not feel right to me. So, I decided to take the challenge for myself and write every day for 28 days. I am on day 11 and have written 13 articles so far - yeee! By the way, follow Tim Denning if you want some real solid advice on writing.

So, I have been very busy and along with writing and doing my professional course, I am also teaching myself the art of promotion - aka social media, Twitter, etc. I will get there and hopefully will make American Wife a magazine people will love to read.

But most importantly, I hope I can find my voice back. Substack is helping me do that!

Also, thanks Tim for that cohort email, I am doing it for myself.

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